The Chee
I'm back YIPEE Refreshed!
Funny pic
:angel
:angel
Jokes to cheer u up
- Thread starter The Chee
- Start date
dalmore
Chicks Dig Comb Overs
Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
This is for those of you who haven't had a flu shot yet.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."
This is for those of you who haven't had a flu shot yet.
Big Leegr
Swirls?!?! NNOOOOOOO!!!!!
These are supposedly actual quotes taken from job performance reviews
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
A man walks in a bar one day, sits down orders a beer and gets comfy. The owner announces to everyone at the bar that night, "I am Renaming the Bar, I will give 100 free beers to who ever comes up with a name that I like, not only that but I'll give him or her drinks on the house till closing." So everyone is shouting and yelling "Bill's Pub" "Big Bill's" another shouts " Corner Bar" Then a man shouts out!"Lucy's Leg's" The owner Bill says that's it, I love the name so "Lucy's Leg's" it is. So the Man had all he could drink for the night and closing was a in few minutes anyway, He says to bill, What time do you open in the morning? Bill says "I'm open at 10", so the man says "See you in the morning for my free drinks". So the next morning the guys is waiting outside pacing back and forth, it's about 9:45 and Bill's nowhere to be found. A police car swings by and says to the man "Are you lost sir? then man responds "NO I'm not lost! I'm waiting for "Lucy's Leg's" to open so I can get a drink!"
The Chee
I'm back YIPEE Refreshed!
Norah come in....
You need this in your detailing arsenal...
The world's biggest clay bar
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7941511213&sspagename=ADME:B:LC:MT:1
:hah
You need this in your detailing arsenal...
The world's biggest clay bar
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7941511213&sspagename=ADME:B:LC:MT:1
:hah
A marine jarhead, and an army grunt are taking a leak
in the latrine. The jarhead finishes first, and goes to wash
his hands. The grunt finishes after, proceeds to walk out of the
latrine. The jarhead looks at the grunt and says, "In the
Marine Corps, they teach us to wash our hands." The grunt
just smiles and says, "Well in the Army, they teach us not
to pee in our hands."
in the latrine. The jarhead finishes first, and goes to wash
his hands. The grunt finishes after, proceeds to walk out of the
latrine. The jarhead looks at the grunt and says, "In the
Marine Corps, they teach us to wash our hands." The grunt
just smiles and says, "Well in the Army, they teach us not
to pee in our hands."
Gorilla Headache
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"
... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
Smelling what you eat...
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
Crashing Supermodels
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"
Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing mine!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her private parts. Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing - assume the brace position immediately!"
Immediately the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face.
Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: "What in the hell are you doing fixing your make-up when we are about to freaking crash!"
Claudia responds: I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the ones who have the best looking faces- which is why I am putting on my make-up."
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!" Cindy responds: "I have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- which is why I am exposing mine!"
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her private parts. Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell: "Naomi - Are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!!"
One more...
Sample Computer Viruses...
THE AL GORE Virus...
(Causes your computer to just keep counting.)
THE CLINTON Virus...
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)
THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus...
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)
THE JESSE JACKSON virus...
(Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.)
THE MIKE TYSON virus...
(Quits after two bytes.)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus...
(Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to re-
stabilize around 200mb.)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
(Deletes all old files.)
THE PROZAC virus...
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files.)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.)
And last but not least....THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)
Sample Computer Viruses...
THE AL GORE Virus...
(Causes your computer to just keep counting.)
THE CLINTON Virus...
(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.)
THE BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus...
(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus...
(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.)
THE JESSE JACKSON virus...
(Warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.)
THE MIKE TYSON virus...
(Quits after two bytes.)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus...
(Your 300 mb hard drive shrinks to 100 mb, then slowly expands to re-
stabilize around 200mb.)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
(Deletes all old files.)
THE PROZAC virus...
(Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus...
(Only attacks minor files.)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus...
(Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.)
And last but not least....THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.)
Big Leegr
Swirls?!?! NNOOOOOOO!!!!!
**************************MARRIAGE SEMINAR
***While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
*communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
*instructor, *"It is essential that husbands and wives know
*the things that are important to each other."
************************He addressed the man,
***********"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
*****Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
****whispered, *"It's Robin Hood, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
***While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
*communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
*instructor, *"It is essential that husbands and wives know
*the things that are important to each other."
************************He addressed the man,
***********"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
*****Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
****whispered, *"It's Robin Hood, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
Big Leegr
Swirls?!?! NNOOOOOOO!!!!!
Rudolph wasn't always thought to have a red nose.
For a while he wasn't the lead reindeer. He was behind Dasher, but he couldn't stop as fast.
For a while he wasn't the lead reindeer. He was behind Dasher, but he couldn't stop as fast.
The Chee
I'm back YIPEE Refreshed!
Horrendous...!!
Big Leegr
Swirls?!?! NNOOOOOOO!!!!!
Norman and his blonde wife live in St Louis MO. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park
........... " then the electric power goes out !!!
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park
........... " then the electric power goes out !!!
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Big Leegr
Swirls?!?! NNOOOOOOO!!!!!
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note said: "The opinions expressed by this child do not necessarily represent those of his parents."
Big Leegr
Swirls?!?! NNOOOOOOO!!!!!
A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had found some old books a few weeks back in a garage sale box. Not finding anything of interest, the collector asked his friend, "Was this all you got?"
"No, there was an old Bible in there too, but it was pretty beat up. And it wasn't in English. Made by Gutten-something-or-other."
"You Fool!! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed!! A copy recently sold at auction for over half a million dollars!!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth that much. It was scribbled in the margins by somebody named Martin Luther."
"No, there was an old Bible in there too, but it was pretty beat up. And it wasn't in English. Made by Gutten-something-or-other."
"You Fool!! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed!! A copy recently sold at auction for over half a million dollars!!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth that much. It was scribbled in the margins by somebody named Martin Luther."
tubafeak
Weight is the enemy.
A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods. They come upon a stump that contains a Genie. The genie tells them that they each get three wishes.
Bear: Alright, my first wish is to have all of the woman bears in the forest beautiful.
The Genie made it so.
Rabbit: I want a Motorcycle!
The Genie made it so.
Bear: Umm... I wish that every female bear in the forest loved me.
The Genie made it so.
Rabbit: I want a helmet, so that I can ride my motorcycle safely!
The Genie Made it so.
Bear: Rabbit, Why the heck are you wasting your wishes, a motorcycle, what the HELL man?
The Rabbit was very annoyed at this.
Bear: Okay, my final wish... I wish I were the only male bear in the entire forest.
The Genie made it so.
The Rabbit, annoyed at the bear, figured out what his final wish was.
Rabbit: You see this bear here, I wish that that bear had no Penis!
The Genie made it so.
The Moral: Umm... don't piss off rabbits, I guess...???
Bear: Alright, my first wish is to have all of the woman bears in the forest beautiful.
The Genie made it so.
Rabbit: I want a Motorcycle!
The Genie made it so.
Bear: Umm... I wish that every female bear in the forest loved me.
The Genie made it so.
Rabbit: I want a helmet, so that I can ride my motorcycle safely!
The Genie Made it so.
Bear: Rabbit, Why the heck are you wasting your wishes, a motorcycle, what the HELL man?
The Rabbit was very annoyed at this.
Bear: Okay, my final wish... I wish I were the only male bear in the entire forest.
The Genie made it so.
The Rabbit, annoyed at the bear, figured out what his final wish was.
Rabbit: You see this bear here, I wish that that bear had no Penis!
The Genie made it so.
The Moral: Umm... don't piss off rabbits, I guess...???
tubafeak
Weight is the enemy.
So I borrowed my friend's car this weekend. About a day after I returned it she got all pissed at me and said I had to buy her a new clutch. I don't know what she's talking about, I didn't use the damn thing.
Big Leegr
Swirls?!?! NNOOOOOOO!!!!!
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you
bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two
sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our
home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice
custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite
puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh,
no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you
bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two
sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our
home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the
days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice
custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and
always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take
notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second
round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I
wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite
puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh,
no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my sisters though."
Big Leegr
Swirls?!?! NNOOOOOOO!!!!!
A stingy old man who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, he finally decided on a way to take at least some of it with him when he died.
He told his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill 2 pillowcases. He then told her to put them in the attic directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several days after the funeral the man's widow, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the 2 pillowcases of money. "Oh that old fool!" she said, "I knew he should have had me put them in the basement."
He told his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill 2 pillowcases. He then told her to put them in the attic directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several days after the funeral the man's widow, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the 2 pillowcases of money. "Oh that old fool!" she said, "I knew he should have had me put them in the basement."