Jokes to cheer u up

A guy comes back from his vacation.

"Hi Guy! How was your vacation?"
"I was surrounded by sand and water all week long. It was terrible!"
"Surrounded by sand and water sounds like paradise!"
"I was golfing."
 
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, Ex President

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
 
A man comes home from the doctors office looking very very worried.
"What's wrong?" asks his wife.
"The doctor said I have to take a pill a day, every day, for the rest of my life!"
"Oh... so what? Lots of people have to take pills their whole life."
"I know..... But he only gave me 4 pills!!!"
 
A Stranger rides into a town in the wild west. He goes into a saloon and orders a drink. Just as he gets it, another man comes running into the saloon yelling "Big Jake's riding into town!! BIG JAKE'S RIDING INTO TOWN!!!"
Suddenly the whole saloon empties of everyone but the stranger and the bartender, who's trying to hide the money/expensive alcohol.
"Who's this 'Big Jake?" asks the stranger.
"Well,....." starts the bartender, when the saloon doors burst open and there, in the entryway stands a man 7 feet tall and 4 feet wide! He strides up to the bartender, slams his massive hand on the bar and bellows "Gimme a whiskey!"
The bartender does and the man swallows it in one gulp.
"Gimme another."
He drinks that down in one gulp too.
The stranger says to the man, "Let me buy you the next one."
The man looks at the stranger with an amazed look and says, " Are you kidding? I've got to get out of here! Big Jake's coming!"
 
> A guy from East Texas passed away
> and left his entire estate to his beloved widow,
> but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.
> -
> How can you tell if an East Texas redneck is
> married?
> There's dried tobacco juice on
> BOTH sides of his pickup truck.
> -
> Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
> drinking age in East Texas to 32?
> It seems they want to keep alcohol
> out of the high schools.
> -
> What do they call reruns of
> "Hee Haw" in East Texas?
> Documentaries.
> -
> Where was the tooth brush invented?
> East Texas (and Louisiana, too).
> If it had been invented anywhere else,
> it would have been called a teeth brush.
> -
> An East Texas State Trooper
> pulls over a pickup driven by a guy from
> Jasper on I-10, and says to the driver,
> "Got any ID?"
> And the driver replies "Bout wut?"
> -
> Did you hear about the $3 million
> East Texas Lottery?
> The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
> -
> The County Commissioner's Office
> in Woodville burned down! Yep.
> Pert near took out the whole trailer park.
> The library was a total loss, too.
> Both books -poof! Up in flames, and they
> hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
> -
> A new law was recently passed in East Texas
> When a couple gets divorced they are STILL cousins.
> -
> At the scene of the accident a trooper
> asked the East Texas driver what gear
> he was in at the moment of impact.
> He replied,
> "tractor hat and camouflage hunting outfit"
> -
> Folks in East Texas now go
> to movies in groups of 18.
> They were told
> "17 and under are not admitted."
> -
> An East Texas man spoke frantically
> into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her
> contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
> "Is this her first child?", the doctor asked.
> "No, ya dummy!" the man shouted, "This is her
> Husband!"
 
20 of the most ugly folks on the planet are on an island tour. By
chance, they stumble upon a genie lamp. They rub the lamp, and
the genie appears.

The genie says' " Well ther are 20 of you, so I can only grant each
of you only 1 wish. Choose wisely."

The first ugly person steps up and says, "Genie, I want to be beautiful
when i get back on the boat." Just like that, the genie grants the wish.

Now the other ugly folks are excited and rush to make their wish. each
of them wants to be beautiful when they get back on the boat. As the
other folks give wishes to be beautiful, one guy sits in the background
snickering to himself.

Before you know it, the number of folks that went from ugly to beautiful
has jumped to 15. Meanwhile the last ugly guy is now laughing harder and harder.

By the time the number goes up to 19, the last guy is now rolling on the
floor. The genie walks up to the guy and says, "Well, everyone got their
wish. Now they are all beautiful, and will be adored when they get back
home. I assume you wish the same?"

The last guy, now barely able to control himself with laughter, simply blurts
out, "Naw, just make them all ugly again!"
 
hahaha

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?" :lol :rolling
 
Virus alert

There is a new virus: code name is "work." If you receive "work," from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail or any where else, do not touch "work" under any circumstances!! This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with this virus, put on your jacket and take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order three beers and after repeating 14 times, you will find that "work" has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected by this virus and "work" already controls your whole life. This virus is deadly. Please pay close attention to it and take heed.
 
The French Leader got a coded message from Bush Administration.
It read: S370HSSV-0773H
The French were stumped and sent for the French Information Agency.
The FIA was stumped too, so it went to the Russians.
The Russians couldn't solve it either, so they asked the Germans.
The Germans, having received this same message during W.W.II from the Americans, suggested turning it upside down ...
 
The United States Treasury has announced they are recalling the new Texas quarters.

"We are recalling all of the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Russell Shackelford said in a press conference Monday. "This comes in the wake of numerous reports to this agency that the quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."

The winning design for the Texas quarter was submitted by Texas A&M student William Doutrieux.

"We believe the problem lies in a design flaw," said Shackelford. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."
 
Thought for today...

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections, but absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in.

During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.

"If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade."


:rofl
 
3 bums decide instead of riding the cargo
cars, to ride in style in the passenger cars.
They manage to get a single ticket from the ticket
counter, and proceed to the train. 3 distinguished
men in line behind the bums look in amazement as
the bums get on the train. The gentlemen get on
the train and find the bums. One gentelman steps
to the bums and asks, "We noticed that you only
bought one ticket between the three of you. How
do you plan ride the train on one ticket?" One of the
bums smiles and says, "Just watch and learn."

The train has left the station, and is enroute to it's
destination. The conductor enters the car that the
gentlemen and the bums are in. As the conductor
collects the tickets from the gentlemen, the bums
stealthfully all sneak into the bathroom. The conductor
notices the bathroom door closed, knocks on the door,
and asks for a ticket. A hand pops put the door, and
give the conductor a ticket. The conductor goes on
his way, and shortly after, the bums slowly come out of
the bathroom.

Amazed at what they just saw, the 3 gentlemen decide
that they are going to try that stunt out for their trip
back.

4 days later, the gentlemen and the bums meet up again.
The gentlemen pool their money together and buy one
ticket. The bums simply walk past teh ticket counter
and head onto the train. The gentlemen follow after them,
and ask, Ok, we see how you managed to ride 3 on one
ticket, but how are you going to ride with no ticket at all?"
One of the bums smiles and replies, "Watch and learn."

The train leaves the station, and the bums immediately
rush into a bathroom. The gentlemen decide to rush into
another bathroom, not wanting to be caught by the
conductor. Hearing the comotion made by the gentlemen,
one of the bums walks out of his bathroom, heads over
to the bathroom the gentlemen are crammed in, knocks
on the door, and says, "Ticket, please."
 
A boy comes home from school, all excited:
"Dad!! I got a part in the school play!"
"That's great! What part did you get?"
"I'm playing the part of a man that's been married for 20 years!"
"Good for you, son! If you do well with this part, maybe you'll get a speaking role next time!"
 
Bye Bye :)

> Dear Husband,
>
> I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
>
> I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
> show
> for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell
> me
> that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last
> week,
> you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails
> done,
> cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came
> home
> and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the
> game.
>
> You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
>
> Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case
> is,
> I'm gone.
>
> P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving
> away
> to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
>
> Regards,
> Your Ex-Wife
>
> **************************************************************
> ************************
>
> Dear Ex-Wife,
>
> Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
> you
> and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far
> cry
> from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out
> your
> constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
>
> I did notice when you cutoff all of your hair last week, the first
> thing
> that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me
> to
> not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked
> my
> favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because
> I
> stopped eating pork seven years ago.
>
> I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the
> price
> tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
> had
> just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee
> was
> $49.99.
>
> After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out.
> So
> when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I
> quit
> my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you
> were
> gone.
>
> Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling
> life
> you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote,
> you
> won't get a dime from me. So take care.
>
> P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
> born
> Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
>
> Signed,
> Rich As Hell and Free!

:evil:
 
A guy goes into a supermarket & notices a beautiful dark haired women wave at him & say's hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
knows her from, so he says "do you know me?"

She replies "I think your the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife & says, "My gosh! are you the stripper
from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with
all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped
my ass with celery & then stuck a carrot up my butt?"




She said "No, I'm your sons math teacher."
 
A man and wife were sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
The wife then got up and unplugged the TV.
 
Why Yelling at Men is Useless

What a woman says: "This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up! Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:" blah blah blah C'MON blah blah blah YOU AND I blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!"
 
"When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot... but I always found them." Rodney Dangerfield

A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "Give me a beer and a mop."

Optimist: A man who starts a crossword puzzle with a permanent marker. Anon.
 
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