Clean Jokes: Only

Re: The way children see things


nudity


I was driving my three young children one warm summer evening when a Women in a converible ahead of us stood up and waved... She was stark naked.!!!! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year old shout from the back seat------Dad!!!! That lady is'nt wearing a seat belt.
 
Re: Honesty

My son 4 years of age came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it the garbage. My son stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, ' cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago......
 
Re: Honesty

My son 4 years of age came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it the garbage. My son stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, ' cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago......

Oh my! That sounds too true to be a joke! :rofl
 
Re:Opinions

On the first day of school , a first -grader handed his teacher a Note from his Mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents...."
 
Re: More Nudity

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the womem's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing for towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "Whats the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before ????"

:notme:
 
Blonde Vending Machine
A blonde is standing in front of a soda machine outside a local store. After putting in sixty cents, a root beer pops out of the machine.

She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button. Suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

She continues to do this until a man waiting to use the machine becomes impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my soda and then you can go back to whatever you are doing?"

The blonde turns around and says, "No chance! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm winning!"
:passout:
 
Blonde Cell Phone
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited - she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.

The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband.

"Hi Hon," he says. "How do you like your new phone?"

She replies, "I just love it. It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell. There's one thing I don't understand though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?":passout:
 
The Surgery
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.":passout:
 
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself, and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.

"I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice night," said the officer. :passout:
 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!"

The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!":passout:
 
The Three Wishes
Three friends were stranded on a desert island. After several weeks with no food and no drinking water, they were beginning to lose heart.

Suddenly, a bottle floated into the shore and a beautiful genie popped out. She said "I have three wishes to grant. Each of you gentleman can make one wish come true."

Friend number one got excited. He said "I wish I was in Las Vegas with dice in one hand and a drink in the other, surrounded by music, food, and beautiful women." Instantly he was gone, his wish granted.

Friend number two smiled and said, "I wish I was back home right now with my wonderful wife and our two small children, at our log cabin in the woods sitting in front of the fire and singing Christmas carols together." Just like that, he disappeared.

The genie asked the remaining man, "And what do you wish for?"

He answered, "Gee, I wish I had my buddies back to help me decide...":passout:
 
The Drunk
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.":passout:
 
THE BEST JOKE OF ALL IS THAT THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS ARE THE GREATEST TEAM EVER!:rofl:lol2::rofl:lmfao:lol2::lmfao:rofl:lmfao:lol2::rofl:lmfao:rofl:lol2::rofl:lmfao:rofl:lol2::rofl:lmfao.THIS ONE IS HILARIOUS!GO PATRIOTS!:rofl:lmfao:rofl:lmfao:rofl:lmfao:rofl:lmfao:rofl:lmfao:rofl:lol2::rofl:lol2::rofl:lmfao:rofl:lol2::rofl:lmfao:rofl:lol2:.:passout:
 
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.

She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don’t know. I’ll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door." :passout:
 
The Blonde
A blonde was very upset at all the dumb blonde jokes she was constantly hearing. She decided that she would learn all the state capitals in an effort to defend blondes everywhere. She went home and spent the entire evening learning them all.

The next day, someone at her office told a dumb blonde joke and she immediately retorted, "Hey, I bet I know something that all of you don't know. I know all of the state capitals which proves that not all blondes are dumb."

The people in her office were somewhat dubious. One of her co-workers finally asked, "Ok, what's the capital of Texas?"

The blonde smugly replied, "T." :passout:
 
The Wife's Birthday
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then off to a movie theater, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!":passout:
 
Zoo Performer
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

However, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

The next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zookeeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time. The mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?":passout:
 
Ticket, Please
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. After the conference the accountants, being clever with money, decide to copy the engineers on the return trip. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train, the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please.":passout:
 
The story of the bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't.":passout:
 
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