Stephan
Mr Detailer
"The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing the blind to hunt deer. The biggest supporters of the new law? THE DEER."
Clean Jokes: Only
- Thread starter rayoto
- Start date
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”
assout:
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”
assout:
Stephan
Mr Detailer
"Earlier this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and she has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be broke just 10 years after the Earth crashes into the sun."
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
Now that's wealthy:bigups.assout:!
assout:!
Stephan
Mr Detailer
"In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student....LeTourneau has been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, 'the greatest teacher of all time.'"
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
Where were these teachers when I was going to school? Er uh nevermind I went to catholic schools we had priests hitting on us.:lmfaoassout:
assout:
Stephan
Mr Detailer
Where were these teachers when I was going to school? Er uh nevermind I went to catholic schools we had priests hitting on us.:lmfao
Funny stuff!
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
A woman asked her doctor for birth control pills.
“Ma’am, how old are you?”
“I’m 75.”
“What possible need do you have for birth control pills?”
“They help me sleep better.”
The doctor looked perplexed. “Just how do birth control pills help you sleep?”
“I sneak them into my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning!”
assout:
“Ma’am, how old are you?”
“I’m 75.”
“What possible need do you have for birth control pills?”
“They help me sleep better.”
The doctor looked perplexed. “Just how do birth control pills help you sleep?”
“I sneak them into my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning!”
assout:
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.
“What’s wrong with these guys?” fumed the lawyer. “We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”
“I don’t know,” said the doctor, “but I’ve never seen such
ineptitude!”
“Here comes the greenskeeper,” said the priest. “Let’s have a word with him. Say, George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow. aren’t they?”
“Oh, yes,” said George, “That’s the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!”
Everyone was silent for a moment.
Then the priest said, “That’s so sad, I think I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
“And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them,” the doctor added.
“Why can’t these guys play at night?” asked the lawyer.assout:
“What’s wrong with these guys?” fumed the lawyer. “We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”
“I don’t know,” said the doctor, “but I’ve never seen such
ineptitude!”
“Here comes the greenskeeper,” said the priest. “Let’s have a word with him. Say, George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow. aren’t they?”
“Oh, yes,” said George, “That’s the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!”
Everyone was silent for a moment.
Then the priest said, “That’s so sad, I think I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
“And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them,” the doctor added.
“Why can’t these guys play at night?” asked the lawyer.
assout:
DLR Detailing
Wax on ~ Wax off
Found this on another forum I visit
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
:sorry: It's kinda clean... :yikes:
A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.
"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."
"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."
:sorry: It's kinda clean... :yikes:
DLR Detailing
Wax on ~ Wax off
Found another one - Only in America
Only in America .do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America .... .do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America .do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America .do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America ... .do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?
:surrender :notme: :crazy:
Only in America .do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America .... .do we leave cars
worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America .do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America .do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America ... .do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe,
why do they call the airport the terminal?
:surrender :notme: :crazy:
Pockets
@PoorboysWorld.com
Wow just read them all had me laughin alot. Good ones guys
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
A blonde was recently fired from an M&M factory for throwing away Ws and peeling the shells on the candies. Therefore, she needed a new job to support herself. After going around town asking if anyone needed work done, she found a man who needed a painter.
“I’m here for the paint job,” she said.
“Alright,” said the man. “Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house.”
The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, “I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn’t a porsche out back. It’s a new BMW.
assout:
“I’m here for the paint job,” she said.
“Alright,” said the man. “Here is the paint and your brush. I want you to paint my porch behind the house.”
The blonde immediately went to work painting. Within an hour, she was done and decided to put on a second coating.
After she finished, she returned to the man for her pay. She said with satisfaction, “I not only completed the job, but I even put on two coats of paint! By the way, that isn’t a porsche out back. It’s a new BMW.
assout:
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money
with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
“Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my
coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a
limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put
$20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put
$10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which
cost $20,000.”
The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it
known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for
the full $30,000.”
assout:
with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.
“Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my
coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a
limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put
$20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.”
“Well, since we’re confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put
$10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which
cost $20,000.”
The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it
known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for
the full $30,000.”
assout:
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
I have a magical dancing duck
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"assout:
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
assout:
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."assout:
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
assout:
dave40co
New member
Rabbi is the new Henny Youngman at Detailcity!
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.assout:
A: Alone.
assout:
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A:Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.assout:
A:Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
assout:
rabbi
The Whaler Loves Detail City
I'm going ice fishing!
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
assout:
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
assout: