Clean Jokes: Only

rayoto

rayoto

Nice and Cool
I can't resist....I heard this one the other day and gotta share it.


Why do chicken coupes have only two doors?
 
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? - George Carlin

--

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?​
 
Here's another one I really like. I know many of you have probably heard this one.

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

- Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

- Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

- The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

- New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size.

- The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

- GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

- Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

- You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine

:rofl:huh::hmmm::(:mad::wall:surrender
 
GOOD
A Bloomington, IL policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Peoria, IL. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.


BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. An Illinois State Trooper walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied, 'Illinois State Troopers don't have balls .' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
 
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. “Name’s Enoch… Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge… Having a party Saturday… Thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam, “after 6 months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinking.” “Not a problem… After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.” Damn, Sam thinks… Tough crowd. “Well, I get along with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.” “Now that’s not a problem,” says Sam, “Remember I’ve been alone for 6 months! I’ll definitely be there… By the way, what should I wear?”

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”:passout:
 
The story of Ralph and Edna.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of
a person in need. I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind.
The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe
belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?":passout:
 
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

:passout:
 
A man goes to the doctor and comes home to his wife.

"I have grave, grave news"

His wife reponds, "what is it, what could possibly be that bad?"

He replies "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have to take a small white pill everyday for the rest of my life".

The wife replies "Well thats bad, but its not that bad, there are lots of people who have to take small white pills everyday for the rest of their lives".

"I know but he only gave me six!"
 
"Carni Wilson, formerly of Wilson Phillips says that her talk show will be different than other talk shows, in that she will treat her guests with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them."
 
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