Jokes to cheer u up

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!
 
Fred Sanford:I still want to sow some wild oats!
Lamont:At your age, you don't have no wild oats-You got shredded wheat!
(Sanford and Son)

Rick Simon:Remember-The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked up into a jet engine.
(Simon and Simon)

W.C.Fields:
-Never try to impress a woman because if you do, you'll have to keep up that standard the rest of your life.
-If at first you don't suceed, try again. Then quit. No use being a D@%$ fool about it.

Mae West:
-He who hesitates is last.
-I've been in more laps than a napkin.
-I used to be Snow White... but I drifted.
-Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
-When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad, I'm better!

On Mel Blanc's tombstone: "That's All Folks!"
 
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds.
The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying.
He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row.
On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds.
Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing.
When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him.
He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS?
The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point.
He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs?
This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit.
The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure.
Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"
Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"
 
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.
The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.
The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER JUST TO TELL ME THAT?!!"
 
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
 
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
The parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
 
Subject: dog walk


A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the
block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block?


I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
"OK,
you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the
block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

*YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!*


The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so
another dog is pushing her home."
 
Jim and Edna ( a Blonde), were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
 
Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for
a little chat.

He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in
our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,
and said, Here - try these on."

She did and said, "These are too big I can't wear them." I replied,
'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever
since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.


On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here -
try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They
don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and
I
always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen took off her pants and h anded them to Mike. She said,
"Here, you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your
pants."
Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude,
you never will."
 
A grade school teacher in Las Milpas asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Maria put up her hand up and said, "My family went to my abuelito's farm, and we all saw his pet cabrito. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Enriqueta shyly raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see los pyramids and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Enriqueta, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Pepito raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Pepito before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Pepito said, "My Tia Ninfa has a sweater with ten buttons, but her chichis are so big she can only fasten eight."
 
Billy Bob and Rufus worked together in a Georgia clothing factory. Both were laid off, so they went to the Unemployment Office.
When asked his occupation, Billy Bob said,"Panty Stitcher -- I sew elastic into ladies' cotton panties."
The clerk looked up "Panty Stitcher," and it was listed as "Unskilled Laborer," so she put him down for $300 a week unemployment pay.
She asked Rufus his occupation, and he said, "Diesel Fitter," which was listed as a skilled job. She put him down for $600 a week.
When Billy Bob found out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his co-worker got twice the money.
The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are non-skilled, and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor."
"What skill?" yelled Billy Bob. "I sew the elastic on the panties, and Rufus puts 'em over his head and says, "Diesel Fitter."
 
How many board/forum members does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...
another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 to remind you that you cannot hotlink light bulb images
1 to hijack the thread and ask how to change the horn
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
 
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I
Was a salesman back in Omaha."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
Tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
Store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought
Something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
Day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the
Heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
Medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
New fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
Said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
Went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston
Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
Took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
And I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
 
scottlee said:
A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah. I
Was a salesman back in Omaha."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
Tomorrow." I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
Store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought
Something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
Day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.65". The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the
Heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
Medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a
New fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he
Said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we
Went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston
Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
Took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4
Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
And I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
Click to expand...


Thats awesome :yay
 
Larry A said:
The U.S. spent 1 billion dollors to find a writing insturment that would work in 0 gravidy in outer space. No matter how hard they tried they couldnt find the solution to this problem. The Russians finaly figured it out . They call the new insturment a pencil .
Click to expand...

"There exists a common rumor claiming that NASA spent millions of dollars developing the Space Pen, with the humorous note that the Russian space agency opted to simply use pencils. This has been debunked several times, with reasons such as the danger that a broken-off pencil tip poses in zero gravity and the high flammability of both the graphite and wood present in pencils (especially in a pure oxygen atmosphere). In fact NASA never approached Paul Fisher to develop a pen, nor did Fisher receive any government funding for the pen's development. Fisher himself invented it, and then asked NASA to try it. After the introduction of the AG7 Space Pen, both the American and Soviet (later Russian) space agencies adopted it."

-wiki
 
Boy: "You know, ever since I met you, I can't eat. I can't drink."
Girl: "Why is that?"
Boy: "Because I'm broke!"

-------------------------------------------
"Why are you going steady with Jane?"
"Because she's different from other girls."
"How so?"
"Because she's the only one that will go out with me."
-------------------------------------------

"Did you get that girl to go out with you yet?"
"No... But I'm getting some encouragement!"
"Why? What did she say?"
"She told me she said 'No' for the last time!"
------------------------------------
Getting a word in with my wife is like trying to thread a sewing machine with the motor running.
------------------------------------

My run of jokes has a happy ending-everybody will be happy when I've finished! :D
 
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns
to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.let's have a nice
cup of tea, and then, he sighed................




"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
 
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