what would you do (relationship stuff) kinda long

M

mustanginky

New member
so, well guys i have been w/ my g/f for 8 months now, and i love her to death, i really do, she swept me off my feet. there is a lot of stuff between us, we have been through more than normal for a couple that has been together only 8 months, so my care for her is deeper than the 8 months suggests. im 23 and she's 20, and im ready to settle down a little bit with her (maybe get engaged soon, as she says she wants to) however, there are somethings that arent right...



when we first got together, i didnt realize that she'd just broken up (like 2 weeks before) with a guy that she'd been with for 4 years, until it was deep enough into the relationship that it was too late to back out of. i dealt with all kinds of issues, feeling like i was a rebound, her not knowing if a relationship was for her, etc...



here's where the ex comes into play: when we first started dating, he used to show up at her house at random, show up at her work, call her late at night, etc... and i was like, ***??? went off about it forever. they would argue about stupid **** and i was caught in the middle.



fast forward 6 months, they dont hate each other, and she says that she doesn't like him as any more than a friend, after all they were together for 4 years and they didnt break up because of anything more than they fell out of love with one another. i have expressed to her that i do not like her talking to him via email, IM's, PM's on a forumboard, etc... then one day i said, "Fine, whatever, i dont care" (i was pissed and it was my way of showing her that i dont give a **** what she does, that if that's how she wants to treat the relationship then i will do the same).



so yesterday she tells me that she went out to lunch with him. and i'm like *** you little *******!!!!!! f' you, f' this, f' that, and f' everything in between. i love her, but i wonder if there's any reason for me to stay. should i trust that she's really just friends with him ( which i believe is the case, however this issue is over our relationship boundaries, ya know, if i did the same she would go off). i will add that she's young, and the ex is her only other boyfriend, so maybe she doesnt know too much about relationships. but, there's a side of me that just doesnt trust women at all (i've had some bad luck)





im lookin for experience here, anybody have similar issues or dealt with other **** like this in the past, and what did you do? how did it work out for you? are you glad you did what you did? you dont have to go into details about your experience if you dont want, im just needing some advice from my friends on autopia.
 
Get out now. Trust me. She wouldn't have had lunch with him knowing it bothers you if her feelings for you were as strong as they are for him. You are in a losing situation and it will just get worse. Been there, done that.



You get over the hurt but it will be even worse if you hang on and she starts sleeping with him while you are still with her.
 
Scottwax said:
Get out now. Trust me. She wouldn't have had lunch with him knowing it bothers you if her feelings for you were as strong as they are for him. You are in a losing situation and it will just get worse. Been there, done that.



You get over the hurt but it will be even worse if you hang on and she starts sleeping with him while you are still with her.
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Agreed....and trust me, he did not want to have lunch with her because he wants to be just friends. Get out now and something better will come along.
 
WAPCE.



I'm afraid Scott's right. If she doesn't respect your feelings enough to stay away from the ex, there are some real issues there.



Tort
 
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to agree completely with the rest. For your own respect, you should walk away. Clearly she doesn't know what she wants (or who) and it's dragging you along for a ride. You don't deserve that. In any serious relationship (particularly one close to or at marriage), both partners should be 100% committed to each other, and have respect and understanding for feelings. You deserve to find someone who is 100% committed to YOU, not 50%.



Yes, it sucks temporarily, but look on the bright side...the right one is out there that will only love and care for you, and you only.
 
Bail before you get more involved in her '5-year plan'.

I just 'escaped' a pointless marriage myself in the last month or so and realised just how much was at stake if I had stayed.
 
You've opened a big can of worms here.



Being that it was her first boyfriend and she is young, she is probably having a hard time letting go. If she is still in contact with him through emails, lunch, etc, then she is probably not over him and it will either drive you or make you crazy.



At least she did tell you she had lunch with him, she could have kept that a secret from you. Stop seeing her or paying any attention to her for awhile. He who cares the least will win out. :sosad
 
Got a pic you can post so we can judge for ourselves? :)



Just kidding...but also making a point.



I know at 23 every relationship seems like it's so important / the last one you'll ever have / etc. It ain't. I felt the same way @ 23. I finally got married this year @ 35. It's a lot easier to say than to do, but don't take it too seriously @ that age. Chances are you'll look back and say 'Oh man, I am soooo glad I got out of that situation'.
 
oh she's hot enough, she's a mustang gal much like myself (er, im a guy but whatever) and she's asian.



she says that if she knew i had a problem with it that she wouldnt have done it. she says that when i said i didnt care that she took it literally. you gotta know her, she's like a guy, i mean literally on relationship stuff she's like a guy, as in, if you tell her you dont care, she wont think you will...





i just dont know what to do anymore.
 
not the best pic, but only one on my computer:



thDSC02885.jpg
 
ptim said:
You've opened a big can of worms here.





At least she did tell you she had lunch with him, she could have kept that a secret from you. Stop seeing her or paying any attention to her for awhile. He who cares the least will win out. :sosad
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yeah at least she came out and told me, i didnt ask her or anything. and you're right about not paying attention to her. that usually works.ive been thinking about getting even with her by doing something similar, but i dont know that that will help, because in the end i'll still be mad and so will she.
 
I am not so sure I would "get out" but, I certainly wouldn't pop the question. Maybe you just need to regroup and think of the relationship on a different level. If you are truly only the second guy she has dated then she really isn't ready for marriage no matter how she feels right now. You can bet at some point she would start wondering what it is she missed out on by not dating more and you will both wind up hurt.



Just my 2 cents whatever that is worth these days :D
 
rjstaaf said:
. If you are truly only the second guy she has dated then she really isn't ready for marriage no matter how she feels right now. You can bet at some point she would start wondering what it is she missed out on by not dating more and you will both wind up hurt.



Just my 2 cents whatever that is worth these days :D
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i dont know that i totally agree, my sister is happily married to the second guy she dated.
 
mustanginky said:
i dont know that i totally agree, my sister is happily married to the second guy she dated.
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There are always going to be the exceptions but, I would say your sister is not in the majority. You have to decide if you want to take the risk and pursue a more serious relationship with her.
 
well it's already kinda serious, im semi living with her. i keep stuff over there just in case i stay the night, but im there about 3-4 nights a week
 
The answer to your question is not what others give..but is deep within your self...only you can answer what you seek answers for...if you are riding an emotional rollercoaster the ride will end whether it be a good ride or a crash....only you will know how much you can tolerate..



If you do not search within yourself for your answer and stay blind with hope...you have no one to blame but yourself if you get hurt...



Sit down with your Girlfriend...talk to her and seek your answers...you know your situation and girlfriend better than any of us..



Good Luck



AL
 
be very careful mate, i understand that you have really deep feelings for your GF but 8 months regardless of what you have both been through, is a very short period of time to be thinking of such a great commitment. from the sounds of it she obviousley still has feelings for him due to the length of time she saw this other person, so naturally she still has feelings for him and that i can understand. she is being honest with you and telling you that she is meeting him etc, however i would consider stepping back from this proposal business and take a look at the bigger picture.



this other person is bothering you and you have expressed your concern, yet she has told you that they are just friends but still disregards your wishes. sounds a little suspect and IMO just like the advice of others be cautious and give it some space. it maybe sound like something you dont want to hear but honestly, we are all just looking out for you as no one wants to be on the receiving end of a cheating partner.
 
WALK AWAY. I know good women are hard to find but she is still very young. I found the girl of my dreams at your age but she was the same age not younger and still klinging onto an ex. You are heading down a long road if you are considering marriage. It takes alot more than love to last. I have only been married 10 years but I have found out what works for us. The "in love" feeling only lasts a few years and then your relationship and commitment will take you the rest of the way. She is not ready to commit to only one guy if she is doing what she is doing.
 
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