what would you do (relationship stuff) kinda long

I was in a similar situation, thought I was in love at 21 (she was 25 though, not 20) but whatever. Age is realitive. My ex used hand out with her ex, talk to him at night, ect.... I finally grew some "balls" realized that I valued myself enough to the point that she should value my feeling over her exs. I finally stood up and told her to make a choice between my happiness or his. I told her (calmely) how much this bothered me and how I felt like she was sending me mixed messages. Well we broke up (thank GOD), and after a rambouncus summer, I met a U.C.F. cheerleader who happened to be really sweet and down to earth (not to mention stunningly gorgeous).



She was everything my ex wasn't, and I was so appericative to meet somebody that truely put my feelings first (like you are currently doing to her by trying to be supportive and understand). I've been married to her for a year now, we have been together for 6.
 
AL-53 said:
The answer to your question is not what others give..but is deep within your self...only you can answer what you seek answers for...if you are riding an emotional rollercoaster the ride will end whether it be a good ride or a crash....only you will know how much you can tolerate..



If you do not search within yourself for your answer and stay blind with hope...you have no one to blame but yourself if you get hurt...



Sit down with your Girlfriend...talk to her and seek your answers...you know your situation and girlfriend better than any of us..



Good Luck



AL
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thanks bro thats the best advice i have received...



guys i appreciate your mature responses, and take what you say into consideration, but i think al here is right. i told her today how i felt, and i dunno how it's gonna go. i sent her an email b/c im at school all day, and she's at work. i told her i wanna talk tonight about it, and see whats going on in her mind.
 
IMO it sounds like she, and perhaps both of you, aren't really ready to take that step yet. No need to rush marriage, you're both still young and have plenty of time.
 
mustanginky said:
i told her i wanna talk tonight about it, and see whats going on in her mind.
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That's a good idea. You obviously have some doubts or you wouldn't be asking (good for you); trust those feelings. I also disagree with the advice to just "dump her" now. She is only 20 years old and hasn't had a lot of experience with men OR life. It's going to be hard for her to simply turn off all feelings for a guy she was with for 4 years. I have been married 22 years and love my wife dearly (and would never cheat on her) but I still have fond memories of old girlfriends.



You will have to deal with the fact that right now she is "comparing" you to the old boyfriend. Nothing you do will prevent that; only she can decide if you are "better" than the old guy. Just be yourself and treat her as she should be treated!



Let her know that her continued contact with her old boyfriend is hurting you and hurting your relationship. If she really loves you, she will terminate contact with her ex. If not, you have to decide if it's something you can live with, but it sounds like you can't. Don't "get even" with her as that will just escalate into a big battle and eventual breakup.



If she chooses her old boyfriend over you, so be it! It sucks and it hurts terribly but you get over it.



Just let time take it's course and don't rush things thinking if you marry her then she has to get rid of her ex. Right now your still in the stage where you can't keep your hands off each other. It will take time to develop the trust, respect and comfort that makes a relationship last.





Good luck.
 
Al is right because that is what you want to hear. You are not the guy for her. Regardless of her age. As Scott said: Get out now. You can trust me when I say that she will not come around and change. BUT< it is your life. I guess for what ever reason, part of you want to suffer. So be it.



You are not THE guy for her. Sorry.
 
mustanginky- I sure wouldn't be proposing marriage at this point, but I don't see it as a "must bail" situation either. Settle down at 20 and 23?!? Yikes, I wouldn't even *start* to think about it yet. But hey, that's just me...



I do think it bodes ill when people have serious arguments though, and it sounds like yours get pretty heated. Heh heh, if I pulled a "*** you little *******!!!!!! " Accumulatorette would probably smack me a good one on her way out of my life.



My wife and I are both good friends with some of our, uhm, previously significant others. No jealousy, no problems of any kind. If somebody told me I couldn't associate with somebody, *anybody*, I'd say "take a hike" and my wife is the same way. If we didn't trust each other to that extent then we wouldn't be right for each other anyhow. And we *like* those people, we're just not in love with them any more (gee, :o I sound like your girlfriend, huh?).



Don't take this the wrong way, but what bothers you about her being friends with the guy? Unless you really think she's cheating on you with him, IMO it shouldn't bug you. If you *do* think she's cheating on you, well, that's a different matter.. you don't want to get very involved with somebody you don't trust.
 
Accumulator said:
Don't take this the wrong way, but what bothers you about her being friends with the guy? Unless you really think she's cheating on you with him, IMO it shouldn't bug you. If you *do* think she's cheating on you, well, that's a different matter.. you don't want to get very involved with somebody you don't trust.
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what bothers me about it is the stuff i went through and all of it with her in the past about her ex. she almost dumped me to go out with him and put me through hell for a little while. i love her, that's the only reason i have stayed with her. i do not have a problem in general with them talking on the phone or whatever, but meeting him for lunch is a total different thing in and of itself. im not a jealous type.
 
Tell her you need a break, plain and simple. That will tell you soon enough whether you should stay with her (or if she really wants to be with you etc).
 
The fact that you posted this thread is your answer. I am not just going to yell "GTFO", but I would seriously consider giving her a lot of space and letting her figure out what *she* wants. Right now all you're doing is setting yourself up. It sounds like you're a reasonable guy - play the field. :)
 
Obviously communication is key, as with any relationship. Listening is just as important. Listen to her feedback, is it sincere, or is she buying time with some irrelevant response. Is she attempting to resolve your concerns? Or hoping they'll just go away. She may be beautiful, and everything you currently are seeking in a young woman, but is she mature and stable....

Is 23 too young to propose? I proposed when I was 23, married at 24, first born at 25, then again at 28 and 31!! LOL.....BE READY for marriage.

I think 20 is too young to comprehend exactly what a life commitment is. Have you both had all your "single", non-committed fun yet? Where/what are her closest friends doing with there lives, any of them settleing down?

Its kind of funny. I was the first of all my buddies to settle down and start a family. They eventually followed suit, but now there in there 40's with 5 and unders, while mine are going to college or highs school..(OK my youngest is in 7th grade, a girl, and has me totally wrapped) Slight thread jack...............sorry

Anyway, if its mean to be, this will work out with a little effort on both parts. Your both still young, and in love i suppose. Remember, with love, age, and respect, comes maturity. Lets see :nixweiss if she has what it takes.....
 
mustanginky- OK, you know her and I don't, so you have a better feel for what she's really thinking.



Biggest thing here (again, just IMO) is that being in love with/in a relationship with her shouldn't be stressing you out. There just shouldn't be stress if everything is cool. Like everyone is saying, the two of you need to talk this thing through. It might lead to the two of you making some big decisions.
 
Ok, I have seen too many of my friends go through this exact situation. [Does everyone go out with a girl in this time period?]



Sit down with her and tell her him or me ? If she has a spec of respect left in her for you, she will understand. Its ludacris to put yourself through hell so she can go see her "friend".
 
Well I think we are curious to hear how it went last night with the talk! But here is my opinion...Listen to your friends and family, no matter how much you seem to disagree with what they are saying or how much it hurts. Those are the people that relaly care about you and want you to be happy, they know you best. I had a girl that was cheating on me and I refused to believe anyone. It hurt so much to hear other people talking like about her. But because I was so blinded by what I thought what "love" that I refused to listen and come to find out they were ALL right. Your family, friends included, know you better than anyone and know the type of person that is right for you. If your reall confused ask our family for their honest opinion and LISTEN to it...good, bad or otherwise. All we can do is share experience with you, take it for what it is. A lot of these guys have some good life lessons for you (and me too) so listen and keep an open mind.
 
well the talk went pretty good i guess. i told her how i felt, and she said that if she had known i would have been mad then she wouldnt have done it, that it would have never happened. i told her that if she wants to keep a friendship talking to him and stuff im cool with that (after all, she was with him for 4 years and i dont want to keep her from talking to somebody, im not a control freak) but seeing him for lunch is out of the question. i told her how it hurt my feelings and that i felt like she didnt respect my opinion on this issue, and she was sorry that it had happened.



i dont know where this takes us. there are other things than this that are kind of going wrong. i want to give her a little space, where she can live a 20 yr olds life and be happy, and not tell her she cant go out and have fun without me, because i've never been the type. i'll let her actions speak louder than words, if she wants to treat me like i dont exist, then that's what she wants and what will make her happy. if she wants me she'll let me know. if she wants to go out with friends, i wont say anything about it. if she wants me there, i'll be there.



right now is a sensitive time during the month too, i must add, so there might be things that she said angrily that she didnt mean, lol
 
vdog0531 said:
if she's just like a guy when it comes to relaitonships.. that means she probably ****ed him at lunch...
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she's not like a guy like that, lol (although she is asian). i dont believe it's like that with him and her anymore. she has always been honest with me about her feelings for him, so i have no reason not to believe her on that issue (whether or not she still is in love with him)
 
mustanginky- Glad you two were able to talk it out so well. Hope it works out well for both of you, whichever way it all ends up going.
 
No matter how hot she is, or how much you "love" her after 8 months...run away now. Life is too short for that kind of ****, and there are too many fish in the sea my man. Take your show elsewhere and let her play her little on again/off again games with her ex. I did a very bad relationship for a very long time (6 years), and wish like hell now I would have gotten out earlier. I learned a lot from it (what NOT to do again), and realized that there is no reason to do the stupid things I did when we are given a limited amount of time on this planet.
 
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