Jokes to cheer u up

The Chee

The Chee

I'm back YIPEE Refreshed!
The preacher's, Sunday sermon was,"Forgive Your Enemies." He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies?
About half held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
Now about 80 percent held up their hands.
He then repeated his question.
All responded, except one elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three." she replied.
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said, "It's easy, I just outlived those bitches.
 
Norman and his blonde wife life in Fargo. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through". Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow- plow can get through.". So, Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park..." then the electricity goes out. Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do..."
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."
 
Pubs back home

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the Landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he'll buy the 5th one for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ha, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All of this is on the house."
The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears that it's true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not meself personally, no." said the Irishman, "But it did happen to Bridget, my sister!"
 
Gorilla Jokes

A lady wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in
her tree.
She looks in the phone book and finds a gorilla
removal service.

When she asks if they can remove the gorilla,
the service guy asks, "Is it a male or female?"
"Male," she replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do it. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a
stick, a Chihuahua, a
shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs.
He then gives the woman some instructions.

"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla
with the stick until he falls out of the tree"
"When he does, the trained Chihuahua will go to
bite the gorilla's testicles off"
"The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect
himself, allowing you to put the handcuffs on him."

The woman asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies,
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does,
shoot the Chihuahua."
 
The U.S. spent 1 billion dollors to find a writing insturment that would work in 0 gravidy in outer space. No matter how hard they tried they couldnt find the solution to this problem. The Russians finaly figured it out . They call the new insturment a pencil .
 
A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to carress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"
 
Takes One To Know One

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore."
"Why not?"
"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."
"That's possible."
"Not when I had the ball in my pocket!"
 
A three year old boy in his bath examined his testicles and asked,
"Mommy, are these my brains?"

Mom said, "Not yet, honey."
 
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had
long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and
this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met
the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you
must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be
sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,

I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, John."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom."
 
When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO s e x on
this trip. All of you males take off your p'enis and hand it in to my
sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land,
you can get your p'enis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very
excited.

"Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to
see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said,
"Sorry, no land yet."

"Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit
asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days
and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land.
But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of
paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
 
Some time around the turn of the century, and very strict and no non-sense man married himself a fine, young and beautiful woman. On the way home from the wedding, on a country road, liesurely riding along, the horse came upon a snake and reared up. The man stopped the carriage, got out, walked up to the horse and looked him in the eye and pointed his finger at him and said "That's once!". Then he got back in and they continued on their way. His new wife merely looked at him.

Not much further down the road the horse stripped over a fallen branch. The man immediately stopped, got out, walked up to the horse, looked him in the eyes and slugged the poor animal. Then he said "That's twice!". He then got back in the carriage and proceeded down the road. His new wife merely looked at him.

They hadn't gotten far wen the horse stumbled in a rather large pothole. The man once more immediately stopped, got out, walked up to the horse, looked him in the yes, pulled his gun and shot the poor beast in the head. He unhitched the horse, leaving only one horse now, got in the carriage and was about to proceed on down the road when hi swife, who could no longer containt herself began to exlaim "How can you shoot that poor horse for nothing more than simply stumbling!!".

With that, the man slowly turned to her, looked her straight in the eyes and said "That's once!".
 
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He
kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire
also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and
during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a
proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars,
or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool
full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound
of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was
swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer
him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool
unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible!
Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep
my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one
million dollars?"

The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want
your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the
asshole who pushed me in the pool!"
 
A little boy walks in on his mom while she was in the shower. He asks "mom, what's that between your legs"? Caught off gaurd, she responds with "OH son, that's my wash cloth". OK the boy says and runs off to play. WHEW, the mom thinks to herself, that was easy.

Later in the afternoon, the mom was out by the pool sunbathing. The little boy runs out and says " MOMMY, MOMMY, the maid is upstairs washing daddy's face".
 
The head psychitriast at a mental hospital decides to take his patients to a baseball game. A few weeks before the game he decides to work with his patients to make them feel more at home while the game is being played and gives them some cues as to what to during the game.

Well, the big day comes and the bus unloads the hospital patients at the stadium. Everyone gets to their seats OK. The National Anthem is being played and the head psychitriast says "up nuts", and all the patients stand up". When the Anthem is over he says "down nuts" and they all sit down. The star player for the home team hits a home run and the psychitriast says "cheer nuts" and they all jump up and cheer as loud as they can. The umpire makes a bad call on one of the players for the home team and he says "boo nuts". All the patients jump up and boo and hiss and yell at the umpire.

Everything is going great and the psychitriast tells his assistant that he is going for a hot dog and a soda, and the assistant is in charge. He returns after a while, only to find a riot going on. Confused, because everything was going so well when he left, he searches, and finds his assistant. "What happened" he asked? The assistant replied "I don't know, everything was fine, until some guy walked by yelling "PEANUTS,PEANUTS"!!
 
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman,' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?

The man agreed, and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No....I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke e-mails we've been receiving."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00.

"And by the way'" the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"
 
Wishes

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
 
Thursday Night April 8
Leno


I guess you all know the big story – today Condoleezza Rice testified this morning before the 9-11 commission. Or as they’re calling it in Washington – "The Passion of the Rice”.

Let me tell you something, she did a great job. It is not easy raising your right hand while you’re trying to cover your ass as the same time.

Today Condoleezza Rice said Saudi Arabia is "fully enlisted in the war on terrorism". Yeah. So fully, they're on both sides of it.

I read something interesting about Condoleezza Rice today. They said she was actually Methodist but became a Presbyterian. You know what that means, she’s a converted rice!

Former President Bill Clinton didn’t watch. To this day, he still gets extremely nervous whenever a woman testifies under oath.

In a surprise move, the United States has just announced we will begin photographing and fingerprinting every visitor to the united states even those from our allied nations. Isn’t that unbelievable? We still have allies?

This was announced today. The White House Easter Egg Hunt will be open to the public but President Bush will not be there. Well sure. How embarrassing would that be? It’s bad enough he can’t find weapons of mass destruction, what if he can’t find any eggs either?

As I’m sure you know, president bush has begun an Easter week vacation in Crawford, Texas. This is part of his plan to get in touch with ordinary Americans and see what it’s like to be at home not working.

To give you an idea how bad it’s getting – on the way to work today, I saw a crystal-meth lab being converted into a gas station. They know where the money is. More money in it.

A Catholic priest in Akron, Ohio has plead guilty to growing marijuana that he would share with others for "medicinal purposes”. This really shows you how times have changed-when church officials heard that another priest had been arrested, they said "Thank God it’s just drugs”.

Bill Gates not number one anymore, according to a Swedish magazine, the founder of Ikea is now the richest man in the world. I bet he doesn’t have any furniture in his house that you have to assemble.

The Detroit Tigers won their first 3 games of the season and as of this morning were in first place. We need a commission to investigate how the hell that happened. How does that happen?

The Boston Red Sox fans have voted online for a title for an upcoming movie about the Red Sox. The title the fans chose was "Still, We Believe”. I would have gone with, "Damn Yankees”.

The third "Matrix” movie was released on DVD today. The bad news - it’s the exact same version that was in theaters
 
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it
was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even
though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
 
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