Barrett, that story was funny as hell, though I feel your pain....And I like Superbee's idea, which I will eventually implement with my dad.
My father washes his cars with some handle suction thing that draws in soap--Johnson's baby shampoo seems to be his preference. It has some nasty mop-like, wool-looking wash head on it. This thing is apparently good for washing the car as well as the wheels (cringe). I found his drying technique consists of a raggity, 20 year old sweatshirt of mine.....I've tried explaining , but he doesn't want to hear it.
Parents, gotta love em!