Jokes to cheer u up

Roger is buying his cousin's used motorcycle.
He says, "My God, it's so shiny! It's like new! What's your secret?"
His cousin says, "Well, any time it's about to rain, I coat the chrome with some Vaseline so it won't tarnish. In fact, I won't be needing this any longer, take my tube."

Roger and his girlfriend are going to her parents' house for dinner for the first time, so he goes to pick her up on the motorcycle.

As she's getting on the bike behind him, she says, "Listen, I have to tell you something. My family's a little strange. You can't talk during dinner. If you talk during dinner, you have to do the dishes."

When they walk into her parents' house, not only in the kitchen, but in the dining room, the living room, on the stairs, the back porch, everywhere, there are piles and piles of dirty dishes. They haven't done the dishes in months.

They sit down to eat, and the whole meal, nobody talks.
It's the end of the meal, Roger is getting a little horny, and he figures nobody is going to say anything, so he grabs his girlfriend, and pops! her right there on the dining room table.
Nobody says nothing.

He's still a little horny, and her mother is kind of cute, so he figures, "What the hell?" He throws her mother up on the table and starts to do her.

He's just about done with her, when he looks out the window and sees it's starting to rain on his motorcycle. He reaches into his pocket and takes out the tube of Vaseline.

Her father jumps up and says, "All right, all right, I'll do the ****ing dishes."
 
A little boy wrote to Santa ...

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
 
Ancient Chinese Torture

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."
 
> >The Husband Store
> >
> >A store that sells husbands has just opened in
> Dallas, TX where a woman may
> >go to choose a husband from among many men. The
> store is composed of 6
> >floors, and the men increase in positive attributes
> as the shopper ascends
> >the flights.
> >
> >There is however, a catch. As you open the door to
> any floor you may
> >choose
> >a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor,
> you cannot go back down
> >except to exit the building.
> >
> >So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a
> husband.
> >
> >
> >
> >On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
> >Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
> >
> >The woman reads the sign and says to herself,
> "Well, that's better than my
> >last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So
> up she goes.
> >
> >
> >
> >The second floor sign reads:
> >Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
> >
> >The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I
> wonder what's further
> >up?" And up she goes again.
> >
> >
> >
> >The third floor sign reads:
> >Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are
> extremely good-looking.
> >
> >"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's
> upstairs?"
> >
> >
> >
> >The fourth floor sign reads:
> >Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
> extremely good looking and
> >help with the housework.
> >
> >
> >
> >"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT,
> there must be more further
> >up!" And again she heads up another flight.
> >
> >The fifth floor sign reads:
> >Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
> extremely good looking, help
> >with the housework and have a strong romantic
> streak.
> >
> >"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be
> awaiting me further on?" So
> >up to the sixth floor she goes.
> >
> >
> >
> >The sixth floor sign reads:
> >Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012,996 to this
> floor. There are no
> >men
> >on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
> that women are impossible
> >to please.
> >
> >Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice
> day.
> >
 
The flight attendant

An obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself was serving a plane’s cabin. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one of the women hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
The flight attendant responded, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put up the tray, Bitch."
 
Bra

This just in from Texas....

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's
breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the
fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention the scientist was taken
outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him
 
Worried

Two women go out on a girls night out, walking home they are both dying for a piss so they jump over a wall into a cemetry to relieve themselves. 'Course, theres no toilet paper, so one wipes on her knickers and throws them away. The other one tears a ribbon from a bouquet and uses that.
Next day the two husbands are talking. The first says "I'm really worried about my wife, she came home with no knickers last night..
The other said "You're worried? Mine came home with a card stuck up her arse!" "It said `from all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you'.
 
BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL
CITY OF BANKSTOWN

MATHEMATICS EXAM

NAME ............................

GANG ............................

Time allowed 1 hour


1. If Mohammed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

3. If Moustafa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?

4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an "8 ball" to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is thestreet value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a Further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 Children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?

6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?

8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

9. If Wasim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?

10. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

11. If Bankstown's ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1% per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?

12. Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many ounces of cut will he need?

13. Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and $100.00 for a Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW's and three Falcons, how many Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?

14. If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on top, then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2 mm per day)

15. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?

16. If Greg Smith hears the word "yullah" approximately 55 times per hour in Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word "mate" in Penrith Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a population of 10,000?

17. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichhardt to Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

18. If Ahkmed uses 1 kg of "bog" to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray paint will he need if Hardware House is selling them for $9.00 each and each can has 85 mls and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius?

19. Osama is in prison for 6 years for murder. He received $10,000.00 for the hit. His common law wife is spending $100.00 per month. How much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

20. If Mario's dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:

a) 2 feet away ........%

b) 5 feet away ........%

c) 100 feet away .....%

21. If Effie's mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and she wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo pastry will she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62c a sheet and she normally uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?

22. Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?

23. If Shoaib has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per hour?

24. If Margareita has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths HSC exam to see Layla Sohail answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Younis, Genghis and Sehwag are sitting 1 metre apart from Layla?


END OF
EXAM
 
Assassin

In need of an assassin, the C.I.A. narrows the position down to three applicants. They are called in for a final test.
The first is given a 9mm and told, “Your wife is in the next room. Take this gun and shoot her, and the job is yours.” He enters, only to return five minutes later, saying that he just can’t kill his wife.

The second applicant is given the same gun, and told the same thing. He returns, sobbing, ten minutes later. “I’m sorry, I just can’t kill the mother of my children...” He leaves and the final applicant is called in.

He is given the gun and told what he must do. He takes the gun and enters the room. Before the door swings shut, the interviewers hear a series of gun shots followed by painful screaming and the sound of breaking furniture. Finally the man emerges, bloody and drenched in sweat.

“Why didn’t you tell me you put blanks in that gun? I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair!”
 
Daddy Longlegs

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked

"They're mating," her father replied."

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of sh!t in our garden."
 
> > My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing
bothering me.
That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective
sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut
blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view
of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she
was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check
the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me
that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and
committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just
come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her
panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the
front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked
straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have
passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our
daughter.
Welcome to the family!"
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
 
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