Parental help needed

[Cleaning Fool]

So my sister has a 6 year old boy. At school, they give out "yellow" caution flags for semi-bad behavior and "red" for real bad. He brings these home 2-3 times a week and just yesterday was sent to the principals office again. I asked her several times, "what are you doing to help stop this?", her response, "he's only 6." What would you tell her?

 

[topnotchtouch]

There really isn't enough information there to even make a guess.



You have to be careful though, tread lightly if you value your relationship with your sister. Most parents get highly offended when others dispute their child rearing abilities.



Don't discount that his teacher might be contributing to the problem rather than trying to solve it. Teachers have different ways in dealing with kids, some have zero tolerance while others are more nurturing. All kids are different and one approach to every kid and every problem rarely works and unfortunately there are teachers out there who shouldn't be any where near kids...

 

[JRdetailerwoman]

So my sister has a 6 year old boy. At school, they give out "yellow" caution flags for semi-bad behavior and "red" for real bad. He brings these home 2-3 times a week and just yesterday was sent to the principals office again. I asked her several times, "what are you doing to help stop this?", her response, "he's only 6." What would you tell her?

I am a Preschool teacher, I teach 4 and 5 year olds. I have been teaching for 19 years. I am also a parent, I have a 27 year old daughter and a 25 year old son. I speak from experience!! Your sister sounds like what is termed a "pushover parent". She is not doing her son any favors by ignoring his bad behavior. She needs to set guidelines and boundaries for him at home so he will know how to act properly at school or ANYWHERE! If she cannot do this on her own, I suggest she speak to her son's teacher for suggestions, or some other child-care professional!

 

[howareb]

I am a Preschool teacher, I teach 4 and 5 year olds. I have been teaching for 19 years. I am also a parent, I have a 27 year old daughter and a 25 year old son. I speak from experience!! Your sister sounds like what is termed a "pushover parent". She is not doing her son any favors by ignoring his bad behavior. She needs to set guidelines and boundaries for him at home so he will know how to act properly at school or ANYWHERE! If she cannot do this on her own, I suggest she speak to her son's teacher for suggestions, or some other child-care professional!

I agree.



You have to stop this behavior now or it will have a greater impact when the child becomes a teen. I have experienced this first hand from other parents "giving in". Believe me it is better to discipline now at six than later.

 

[topnotchtouch]

Sometimes I forget that far too often it is common here to shoot first and ask questions later.



People, there is nowhere near enough information to make any kind of judgment against the parent one way or the other.



There is no standardization whatsoever to school discipline and it varies GREATLY from one teacher to another. At no point in the original post does it even state what the child did to get these flags.



I have 3 kids, 25, 12 and 10. My middle daughter has ADHD and has been a handful most of her life. I have plenty of experience with school discipline with her I am far from a pushover parent as each of my kids will tell you. My wife and I are very involved in each of our kids education and over the years I have been in many a parent/teacher conference (usually called by me). I have plenty of experience with teachers who shouldn't be in front of a classroom EVER...



Before you rush to judgment and hang the mother from the nearest tree don't you think it would be prudent to wait for more information????

 

[imported_smprince1]

She is not doing her son any favors by ignoring his bad behavior. She needs to set guidelines and boundaries for him at home so he will know how to act properly at school or ANYWHERE! If she cannot do this on her own, I suggest she speak to her son's teacher for suggestions, or some other child-care professional

I also agree, although I'm only a parent of elementary age children and not an early education professional.



At age 6, it seems to me school is mostly about learning appropriate behavior and less about the hardcore academics. It's exactly at this age the child needs to learn respect for teachers (and all adults for that matter), respect for rules and boundaries, respect for other children, how to participate to get the most out of the classroom environment, how to not be disruptful, how to listen and learn, etc. Kindergarten and first grade teach more about that than quantum physics .... it's more to prepare the child to learn how to learn those things later.

her response, "he's only 6." What wouldyou tell her

If he doesn't learn these basic proper behaviours at this age, then when will he?



Just my opinion, but I'm certainly more of an old-fashioned parent than most other parents I see these days. Most want to avoid confrontation and be their kids pals instead of correcting inappropriate behavior. Maybe my approach is wrong, and I don't think there are many absolute right and wrong when it comes to raising children. All parents and children use and respond to different approaches.



My wife is also a school teacher, and what I've seen so many times is the more the parents are involved, the better. Parents and teachers need to communicate and cooperate for the best results. The first obligation for the child's behavior should rest with the parents. The teachers and parents should both be on the same page and reinforcing each other, not undermining. If the parent's response is "so what?" when the school notifies the parent something is inappropriate, it's no wonder the situtation continues.



I also think you need to be careful about offering parenting advice to others. You'll likely get a very defensive response, and as I said above, every parent is different. Unless you're asked for advice, I'd tread lightly.

 

[topnotchtouch]

I keep backing out of this thread but then realize I just can't keep quiet about this. Sometimes I forget that far too often it is common here to shoot first and ask questions later.



People, there is nowhere near enough information to make any kind of judgment against the parent one way or the other.



There is no standardization whatsoever to school discipline and it varies GREATLY from one teacher to another. At no point in the original post does it even state what the child did to get these flags.



I have 3 kids, 25, 12 and 10 as well as 2 grandchildren. My middle daughter has ADHD and has been a handful most of her life. I have plenty of experience with school discipline with her My wife and I are very involved in each of our kids education and over the years I have been in many many many a parent/teacher conference (usually called by me). I have plenty of experience with teachers who shouldn't be in front of a classroom EVER...



Before you rush to judgment and hang the mother from the nearest tree don't you think it would be prudent to get more information????

 

[imported_smprince1]

I keep backing out of this thread but then realize I just can't keep quiet about this. Sometimes I forget that far too often it is common here to shoot first and ask questions later.



People, there is nowhere near enough information to make any kind of judgment against the parent one way or the other.



There is no standardization whatsoever to school discipline and it varies GREATLY from one teacher to another. At no point in the original post does it even state what the child did to get these flags.



Before you rush to judgment and hang the mother from the nearest tree don't you think it would be prudent to get more information????

I agree there is no standarization for school discipline and not a lot of specific details, but I also don't read people are rushing to judge the parent or that anybody has advocated hanging her. If my post read that way then I apologize, I certainly don't feel that way toward the mother and I also agree there is not enough specific information.



In general terms though, if this has been an ongoing problem with the child receiving repeated reprimands for inappropriate behavior, then my suggestion is the the parent should be involved and not just brush it off. That's my experience and opinion, I don't know that's the case because many details are lacking. The writer implied the parent was doing nothing about the repeated incidents, but maybe that's not 100% accurate.

 

[topnotchtouch]

I agree there is no standarization for school discipline and not a lot of specific details, but I also don't read people are rushing to judge the parent or that anybody has advocated hanging her. If my post read that way then I apologize, I certainly don't feel that way toward the mother and I also agree there is not enough specific information.



In general terms though, if this has been an ongoing problem with the child receiving repeated reprimands for inappropriate behavior, then my suggestion is the the parent should be involved and not just brush it off. That's my experience and opinion, I don't know that's the case because many details are lacking. The writer implied the parent was doing nothing about the repeated incidents, but maybe that's not 100% accurate.

Exactly my point, we do not know what the child did, we do not know if the parents are not doing anything about it. The brother just may not have all the facts.

 

[JRdetailerwoman]

As a professional and a parent, I am offering my opinion and advice. I certainly did not come here to argue. The well-being of the child is my first concern, and Cleaning fool is a concerned uncle. I applaud his efforts to want to help his nephew and his sister!

 

[Deep Gloss Auto Salon]

Ughhh...



Parents need to realize you start instilling in your children what is expected of them at a very young age. Since my son could comprehend I would start each day telling him what was on our agenda, and what I expected of him at each stop... ie "we need to go to the grocery store and I will not be buying toys/candy so please don't ask".. I also explain the consequences of what will happen if he does not follow the guidelines we established.



By doing the above, the child knows what is expected and what will happen if they do not conform. They key is to ALWAYS follow through with what you say of you are doing even more damage than not laying down the ground work.



Unfortunately some parents think that when kids are young they do not need to start in on the serious building of their character and implementation of expectations and standards...



An analogy I have is this = when kids are young they cannot do THAT much damage.. Maybe rough housing and breaking a vase etc is as much trouble they can cause. Some parents feel it is not worth getting into it with kids since the risk of a broken vase (for this example) is not worth arguing over to get them to behave...



Fast forward to when they are a teen, have a license etc.. WELL THEN they realize that they can cause some real problems and there is a huge liability so at that point the start laying down the law... Unfortunately it's too late at that time.. The expectations, boundaries are already established and set.. It will take MUCH more work to change these patterns



Long story short, child rearing must start early!



To rjstaff: While you post is very valid, the statement of the parent saying " he is only 6" really provides a lot of insight into what's going on!

 

[JRdetailerwoman]

Ughhh...



Parents need to realize you start instilling in your children what is expected of them at a very young age. Since my son could comprehend I would start each day telling him what was on our agenda, and what I expected of him at each stop... ie "we need to go to the grocery store and I will not be buying toys/candy so please don't ask".. I also explain the consequences of what will happen if he does not follow the guidelines we established.



By doing the above, the child knows what is expected and what will happen if they do not conform. They key is to ALWAYS follow through with what you say of you are doing even more damage than not laying down the ground work.



Well said! You sound like a great parent!:goodjob



Unfortunately some parents think that when kids are young they do not need to start in on the serious building of their character and implementation of expectations and standards...



An analogy I have is this = when kids are young they cannot do THAT much damage.. Maybe rough housing and breaking a vase etc is as much trouble they can cause. Some parents feel it is not worth getting into it with kids since the risk of a broken vase (for this example) is not worth arguing over to get them to behave...



Fast forward to when they are a teen, have a license etc.. WELL THEN they realize that they can cause some real problems and there is a huge liability so at that point the start laying down the law... Unfortunately it's too late at that time.. The expectations, boundaries are already established and set.. It will take MUCH more work to change these patterns



Long story short, child rearing must start early!



To rjstaff: While you post is very valid, the statement of the parent saying " he is only 6" really provides a lot of insight into what's going on!

Well said Motor City! You sound like a great parent!:goodjob

 

[topnotchtouch]

Ughhh...



snipp...



To rjstaff: While you post is very valid, the statement of the parent saying " he is only 6" really provides a lot of insight into what's going on!

Only if we know the context in how it was said. I would agree with you if the mother made that comment to a teacher but, she said it to her brother. He has stated that he has asked her repeatedly about the situation. Maybe she was just blowing him off, who knows.



Again the OP left way too much to the imagination and everyone is filling in the blanks with their own opinions...

 

[topnotchtouch]

Ughhh...



snipp...



To rjstaff: While you post is very valid, the statement of the parent saying " he is only 6" really provides a lot of insight into what's going on!

Only if we know the context in how it was said. I would agree with you if the mother made that comment to a teacher but, she said it to her brother. He has stated that he has asked her repeatedly about the situation. Maybe she was just blowing him off, who knows.



Again the OP left way too much to the imagination and everyone is filling in the blanks with their own opinions...

 

[III]

Everyone has valid points on this issue. Being a parent is no easy task. As a parent I don't have all the answers, but just try to do the best we can with our 3 kids. (8, 5, 1) If my wife and I see something that we feel is an issue, we deal with it. Period. Just last week my 5 year old daughter called me a jerk. I said, where did you learn that word from? She didn't say. 3 days ago she was watching a particular show on disney channel. The word jerk was used. So, obviously we took action by not letting her watch that show anymore. Now, did my 5 year old know what she was saying? Probably not, but she knows now that we don't find that word appropriate.



Smprince1 wrote the following in post #4:



"Most want to avoid confrontation and be their kids pals instead of correcting inappropriate behavior."



This is spot on for some parent/s.



Rjstaaf makes valid points. Cleaning fool stated this happens 2-3 times a week, and the boy was in the office again. This seems to be a re-occuring issue. This isn't a one time thing. Top that with the comment about he's only 6, and yes, I think there's a problem here. However, we don't know the exact details or context in which the situation is occuring. Is the boy action out for attention? Is there something going on in the home that we don't know about? Is the boy getting bad influence from friends?



Having said that, I do feel something should be said to the mom. Yes, he's only 6, but whatever he's doing can't continue.

 

[dave40co]

Ughhh...



Parents need to realize you start instilling in your children what is expected of them at a very young age. Since my son could comprehend I would start each day telling him what was on our agenda, and what I expected of him at each stop... ie "we need to go to the grocery store and I will not be buying toys/candy so please don't ask".. I also explain the consequences of what will happen if he does not follow the guidelines we established.



By doing the above, the child knows what is expected and what will happen if they do not conform. They key is to ALWAYS follow through with what you say of you are doing even more damage than not laying down the ground work.



Unfortunately some parents think that when kids are young they do not need to start in on the serious building of their character and implementation of expectations and standards...



An analogy I have is this = when kids are young they cannot do THAT much damage.. Maybe rough housing and breaking a vase etc is as much trouble they can cause. Some parents feel it is not worth getting into it with kids since the risk of a broken vase (for this example) is not worth arguing over to get them to behave...



Fast forward to when they are a teen, have a license etc.. WELL THEN they realize that they can cause some real problems and there is a huge liability so at that point the start laying down the law... Unfortunately it's too late at that time.. The expectations, boundaries are already established and set.. It will take MUCH more work to change these patterns



Long story short, child rearing must start early!



To rjstaff: While you post is very valid, the statement of the parent saying " he is only 6" really provides a lot of insight into what's going on!

Well said MotorCity!



That is how we raised our 2 kids. They are not perfect by any means but have been much easier than many of the other kids I have seen. My one word of advise for 2 parent households. Present a united front. I have seen way too many parents that have different ways of rearing the same kid and the kid learns to play them against each other. IMHO, 6 is NOT to early to expect certain good behaviors from your child. Let them have fun and let boys be boys but set limits for them. It will make your life easier when they are teens.

 

[imported_mobenzowner1]

Everyone has valid points on this issue. Being a parent is no easy task. As a parent I don't have all the answers, but just try to do the best we can with our 3 kids. (8, 5, 1) If my wife and I see something that we feel is an issue, we deal with it. Period. Just last week my 5 year old daughter called me a jerk. I said, where did you learn that word from? She didn't say. 3 days ago she was watching a particular show on disney channel. The word jerk was used. So, obviously we took action by not letting her watch that show anymore. Now, did my 5 year old know what she was saying? Probably not, but she knows now that we don't find that word appropriate.



Smprince1 wrote the following in post #4:



"Most want to avoid confrontation and be their kids pals instead of correcting inappropriate behavior."



This is spot on for some parent/s.



Rjstaaf makes valid points. Cleaning fool stated this happens 2-3 times a week, and the boy was in the office again. This seems to be a re-occuring issue. This isn't a one time thing. Top that with the comment about he's only 6, and yes, I think there's a problem here. However, we don't know the exact details or context in which the situation is occuring. Is the boy action out for attention? Is there something going on in the home that we don't know about? Is the boy getting bad influence from friends?



Having said that, I do feel something should be said to the mom. Yes, he's only 6, but whatever he's doing can't continue.

Couldn't agree more with the above post.

 

[III]

Well said MotorCity!

My one word of advise for 2 parent households. Present a united front. I have seen way too many parents that have different ways of rearing the same kid and the kid learns to play them against each other.

Excellent words of wisdom. I find myself guilty of this in my own home at times.

Mom and dad have to be on the same page.

 

[Street5927]

Being a police officer for 11 years and also a 4th and 5th Grade D.A.R.E. Officer, I see this all of the time...and actually see this with my brother-in-laws 8 year old child. They have no respect for him. This is in part because my sister-in-law does not back my brother-in-law. So, if your sister is married or the father is still active in the child's life, then they both need to stick by each other in their decisions or the child won't have any respect for either of them.



The way a child acts in school, is a direct relation to how he is raised at home. (I don't want you to get the idea that I think your sister is a bad mother, because that is not what I am saying.) What I am saying is that she needs to set some ground rules. She should set up an action/discipline chart. For example, if he gets a yellow flag, then the consequence is no X-Box for 2 days and stick by it...and don't give in right away. Follow this procedure with as many things as she can think of, and add to it as they happen since she can't forsee every situation. This will help gain the child's respect. She also has to follow it EVERY time and not let it slide. She can also start out with a warning, then if it happens again, something more severe like taking away the video games, etc.



Another thing is that she should not be afraid to discipline her child. A small whack on the a** is not child abuse, it is parenting and correction. She just has to make sure that she doesn't take it to the levels of abuse.



She also needs to teach him some responsibility...such as cleaning his room, doing dishes or maybe just taking out the garbage once a week...instead of laying in front of a computer screen/tv all day. Just like when I was growing up...I couldn't play until all homework was done and the dishes were washed and dried after dinner. There were some days that I didn't do the dishes and I didn't get to go out and play. I learned quick!



Finally, she needs to be a parent, and not a best friend to the child. That doesn't mean that she can't do things with the child, but the child needs to understand the difference between parental/adult guidance and being a best friend.



I hope this helps and everything works out for your sister and her child.

 

[III]

Who can argue with a police officer? Good comments.