Sorry for your loss my friend.
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Thanks all. Fortunately, at this point all we`re losing is the house I grew up in.
Around mid-May, it became apparent Mom could no longer live/care for herself in the house we grew up in. Although she hid it well as we saw her often, she was just kinda wasting away, something that has an actual medical term called failure to `Failure to Thrive`. We`ve been after her for the last year or so on the need to move to independent/assisted living but she was, uh, less than cooperative. All came crashing down Memorial Day weekend, in and out of hospital and finally managed to stabilize enough to move to skilled nursing/rehab to regain strength. After 8 weeks, well enough to move her into what we hope is her new home last Tuesday, 1 bedroom apartment in assisted living facility where she (so far) seems happy given the circumstances. Fortunately, Dad had planned very well so money not really an issue for her.
That leaves us with the house and it`s contents...you sure can accumulate a lot of stuff over the course of 50 years. On the plus side, they were never really collectors of anything so there is very little of sentimental value. On the minus side, despite the fact that Dad was kinda a minimalist, there`s still a TON of stuff, most of which will likely end up in dumpster. Books, vids and stuff like that we`ll give to local library but the other stuff...oh my.
Since I work for a swimming pool company, May, June, July, August and September are crazy times, leaving me limited time, even on weekends, to be actively involved to any great extent in the liquidation; brother lives in Arizona so he ain`t gonna be much help.
It`s been a crazy, frustrating, exhausting and sometimes depressing summer so far but have learned many, many things that I never thought about before:
- Elder care, even if you are financially secure, is in a sad state. I can`t even imagine Moms future if $$ was an immediate issue. Even with resources, planning for things like this should be done 5 or more years in advance due to extensive waiting lists at top facilities. Someone musta been watching over us as we lucked out due to some timely, but generally unlikely, circumstances that created an unexpected opportunity at a quality facility. The research alone in determining ACTUAL levels and quality of care (as opposed to advertised) is quite the endeavor and separating fact from fiction requires some digging. Fortunately my brother, who is an engineer, excels in this type of analytical endeavor and was able to narrow the field considerably before actually taking Mom around for visits; we wanted her to make the final choice so as to feel part of the process and hopefully not harbor any resentment going forward. Unfortunately we took her around to visit the finalists on a 95 degree day and the air conditioning in her car gave out just as we began our 50 mile drive back to the rehab facility. Figures. On the plus side, her car is now done with Polish Angel Master Sealant + Rapidwaxx so it looks and feels really, really nice as it will be on the block soon as well. Obviously I woulda preferred to use it to test a new coating but just didn`t have the time.
- Medical care, especially in the realm of Medicare and Supplemental insurance is not in such a great state either. Care and the quality of that care is often determined more by guidelines such as the Medicare `Rule of 3 Midnites` as far as hospital admission goes as opposed to patient comfort/needs. And when in the care of the hospital, a patient needs a family advocate to insure, well, that things actually get done and a patient doesn`t get overlooked. Apparently, outside of teaching hospitals, many facilities staff with Doctors who make rounds at the end of their `day jobs` at their practices. "Yes, the Doctor will see you sometime tomorrow, could be in the morning, could be at 11pm at night depending on when he shows up". While we were fortunate to have some truly exceptional caregivers during her hospital stays, folks that saw her as a real person as opposed to a patient #, there were also those who did the bare minimum and, at times, ignored basic needs altogether. If ya want something done, the best way to do it is to have your family advocate proactively seek out the resources necessary to attend to your patient or to gather required information/status. Fortunately my wife comes from a family network of nurses and had no problems addressing and advocating for `our` patient. I can`t imagine how it would have went if we had just been passive regarding the entire hospital experience.
- Role Reversal - Never having had children, taking care of folks that need extensive care is kinda a new (and sometimes funny) experience. Excuses Mom would come up with to avoid physical therapy and other things she did not want to do sounded eerily familiar (and sometimes verbatim) to the excuses I would use to duck unwanted tasks as a child. What goes around truly comes around in that respect. Caring for someone who cannot care for themselves is an exhaustive and mentally draining process when they seemingly no longer have the ability to reason and comprehend on occasion. Many times I found myself `lecturing` on important points she needed to grasp and act upon only to realize much the same conversation had taken place 45 years ago with our roles reversed. Is that Karma?
Generally I`m a pretty stoic (some say apathetic) person but the highs ("She had a good day!") and the lows ("Bad day, bad attitude") probably touched on every emotion I`m capable of mustering up. I`ve been very, *VERY* fortunate to have avoided tragedy and sadness for the most part in my life with regards to things that REALLY matter so it`s quite the adventure. Interesting and educational as well so it`s certainly not all bad.
Anyway, sorry for rambling but I think it may have been cathartic in some way. End of the day, hopefully the person is now taken care of and all that`s left is the house and contents which is merely stuff and nowhere near as important or time-sensitive. Just looking for an expedient way to resolve the issue before moving on to actually selling the place...never sold a home before. At least I`m learning new things and by the time I`m 60, will have my name on the waiting list for a `whole life facility` (Independent Living->Assisted Living->Skilled Nursing->Hospice), ready to slide thru the golden years by the time I hit 65. These facilities look at your your financial picture/projections when you sign on, making what I`m sure are predictions based on EXTENSIVE historical forecasting, to insure that you will be taken care of at the same quality facility thru end of life, even if you beat their predicted odds and run out of $$ before expiration.
Life was certainly simpler when I was just trying to decide what coating to try next...
