The Fuzz
New member
I was cleaning out an old email folder and came across some pretty cool stuff. This is from a few years ago and I don't know how long it had circulated. Pretty funny stuff though. Not that death is funny... but stupid people and death make for some pretty eye rolling reading. lol
FBI TOP 11 DEATHS OF THE YEAR -
Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over
36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths
and Homicides.
Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out
its Top 11 Homicides of the year.
1- Alex Mijtus,36 years old, is killed by his wife,
armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had
had enough of her husband's strange sex practices
and one night during a prolonged session of fun she
snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into
Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal
organs and caused severe bleeding.
2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was
killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100
the next day, but crossing the road with her
daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel
chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday
cake.
3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8
year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room
with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if
she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she
promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her
fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim
took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone
was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she
didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried
to poison her mother using the same method one month
later.
4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl
friend after he attempted to have his way with her.
His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled
shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had
given it to her an hour before the date started,
just in case.
5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his
landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years.
The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to
death with a toilet seat after he realized just how
long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state
troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake
town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking
slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in
front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking
she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between
them, over 40 of them hitting the target.
"She just looked like a very real looking target",
one of the troopers stated in his report.
7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her
brother Michael because she talked on the phone too
long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a
cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with
the broken arial.
8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear
scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband
after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a
period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's
eyeshadow with a Uranium composite that was highly
radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning.
Although she suffered many symptoms, including total
hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and
even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never
attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check
up.
9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two
timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate
explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was
driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive,
forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma
Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons
some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car
or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep
crater, and 500m of missing road.
10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her
neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her
neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6
phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire
the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back
of his property. Patty Winter would constantly
complain to the local sheriff's officers about the
noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was
served with a notice to remove the engine
immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter
over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole
situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had
changed the position of the engine, as she walked
into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a
blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and
forever burning her outline into the driveway.
11- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by
his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who
should take the family home after their parents'
passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no
sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out
of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on
the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He
then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note
saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me,
Brian." Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the
house, and himself in the process.
FBI TOP 11 DEATHS OF THE YEAR -
Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over
36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths
and Homicides.
Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out
its Top 11 Homicides of the year.
1- Alex Mijtus,36 years old, is killed by his wife,
armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had
had enough of her husband's strange sex practices
and one night during a prolonged session of fun she
snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into
Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal
organs and caused severe bleeding.
2- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was
killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100
the next day, but crossing the road with her
daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel
chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday
cake.
3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8
year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room
with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if
she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she
promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her
fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim
took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone
was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she
didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried
to poison her mother using the same method one month
later.
4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl
friend after he attempted to have his way with her.
His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled
shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had
given it to her an hour before the date started,
just in case.
5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his
landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years.
The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to
death with a toilet seat after he realized just how
long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state
troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake
town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking
slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in
front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking
she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between
them, over 40 of them hitting the target.
"She just looked like a very real looking target",
one of the troopers stated in his report.
7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her
brother Michael because she talked on the phone too
long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a
cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with
the broken arial.
8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear
scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband
after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a
period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's
eyeshadow with a Uranium composite that was highly
radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning.
Although she suffered many symptoms, including total
hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and
even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never
attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check
up.
9- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two
timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate
explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was
driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive,
forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma
Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons
some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car
or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep
crater, and 500m of missing road.
10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her
neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her
neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6
phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire
the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back
of his property. Patty Winter would constantly
complain to the local sheriff's officers about the
noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was
served with a notice to remove the engine
immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter
over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole
situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had
changed the position of the engine, as she walked
into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a
blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and
forever burning her outline into the driveway.
11- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by
his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who
should take the family home after their parents'
passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no
sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out
of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on
the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He
then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note
saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me,
Brian." Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the
house, and himself in the process.
