Copywrite Help

Z

ZaneO

New member
I was just wondering what you guys/gals thought about my opening statement. Long enough? Too long? Convey the right message? All feedback is welcome.



"ZaneOâ€â„¢s Shine Shoppe is a premiere detail shop servicing Lubbock and Amarillo. It is our goal to provide the best service, process, and products available to help maximize the appearance of your vehicle. Countless hours have been spent researching, learning, and practicing the art of detailing to ensure service that is superior to any other shop in town."
 
I like your thought process but I would refrain from commenting on other shops, remember it is only about you and the service you provide. What makes you better is your knowledge you can end with that, people will understand. Plus you don't want other detailers to read that and bad mouth you. Professionalism is the name of the game.
 
My 2 cents (for what it's worth!)



"ZaneOâ€â„¢s Shine Shoppe is a premiere automobile detail shop servicing the Lubbock and Amarillo area. Our goal is to provide top of the line service to maximize the beauty of your vehicle. Our dedicated, honest and skilled staff will ensure your ZaneO's Shine Shoppe experience is superior in every regard."



Don't use the word "learning" or "practicing". It'll drive people away. They want an expert.



Stay away from comparing yourself to others. Just do your thing without an elite attitude. Respect your competition.



Most people don't care about "process" or "products" (let alone have any idea about detailing) just that they want the vehicle to look good. Your results will speak for themselves. I detail for cash on the side every weekend. Nobody has asked me about products except to say to use what I did the last time because they liked the look. I talk to them about products so they know what I use, but I don't mention it in my promotional literature. One doctor always asks for my "magic ointments and creams" for his '78 Mercedes. That happens to be Souveran paste!!
 
Some very good points there.



Here's a quick revision:



"ZaneOâ€â„¢s Shine Shoppe is a premiere automotive detail shop serving Lubbock and Amarillo. It is our goal to provide the best service, process, and products available to help maximize the appearance of your vehicle. Our staff is knowledgeable and highly skilled in the art of detailing, ensuring service that is superior."
 
"ZaneOâ€â„¢s Shine Shoppe is a premiere automotive detail business serving Lubbock and Amarillo. Our goal is to provide the best service, process, and products available to help maximize the appearance of your vehicle. Our knowledgable staff is highly skilled in the art of detailing, ensuring superior results."



Same message, just taking a few words out to get to the point even quicker. Also you used the word "shop" twice in the same sentence - i switched to "business."



Again, my 2 cents, but you got the idea!



Good luck with it!
 
There's only one more change I'd make, and that's this:



"Our knowledgable staff are highly skilled in the art of detailing, ensuring superior results"



Ben
 
BenP said:
There's only one more change I'd make, and that's this:



"Our knowledgable staff are highly skilled in the art of detailing, ensuring superior results"



Ben
Click to expand...



Well, I'm not so sure... the word staff is used as a noun, and singular, at that. I would think the associated verb (is/are) would be singular as well.



Jim
 
Jimmy Buffit said:
Well, I'm not so sure... the word staff is used as a noun, and singular, at that. I would think the associated verb (is/are) would be singular as well.



Jim
Click to expand...



At first I didn't agree, thinking that "staff" is referring to a group of people. So I did some Googling.



http://www.grammarbook.com/grammar/subjectVerbAgree.asp - Rule 14.

http://www.udel.edu/eli/questions/g04b.html - second question



So, is "staff" is referring to how knowledgable a single group of people is (or are? ;) ).



English is so confusing because - http://www.udel.edu/eli/questions/g04.html - about 2/3 of the way down the page



"Our knowledgable staff (members) are highly skilled in the art of detailing, ensuring superior results"



Is "members" implied?



http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/grammar/learnit/learnitv358.shtml - another resource.



Now, I'm still not sure which is correct. I think I'll go wash my car.
 
LOL...I appreciate all of the concern :D



I feel pretty comfortable assuming that staff is singular in my usage and "is" will work for me.



I really do appreciate all of the help. :)
 
Jimmy Buffit said:
Well, I'm not so sure... the word staff is used as a noun, and singular, at that. I would think the associated verb (is/are) would be singular as well.



Jim
Click to expand...

Oh I know that - ARE just sounds better:D



Ben
 
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